Champagne

A New Play soon to be the toast of Broadway

ACT I

Ted: What shall we write? How shall we start it?
Phil: That's a good question. Let's start it with a toast. "To the ones that got away!"
Ted: Here, here! To Sam! To John!
Phil: To Sue! To Dianne!
Ted: Dianne? But you swore you would never talk to her again under penalty of death.
Phil: But the sex was great. What she didn't have upstairs she more than made up for downstairs.
Ted: Anywho, we start with a toast. And then we talk some trash and dish some dirt.
Phil: We'll talk about everyone we ever loved before and reminisce in our endeavor to find new love and new meaning to our lives.
Ted: Not everyone.
Phil: Everyone. Why not?
Ted: We have to protect the guilty and the high ranking.
Phil: Do we have to? How about we protect the innocent?
Ted: That's what I meant. You go first.

Phil gets up from table and walks to wet bar.
Phil: There was Barbie. She was a doll.
PHONE RINGS.
Phil: Just kidding. You go first. Hello? Hi, Janine. Yeah, Ted and I are sitting around shooting the shit. Talking about girls-
Ted: And boys-
Phil: Yeah. You want to come over? We can hear your story about relationships. All right. See you soon. You go first.
Ted: Uh huh. (Closes eyes and reflects) Herb. Now there was a man. Tall. Rugged. Hairy chest and scruffy face. He never shaved. I don't know why. He was the living, breathing epitome of the Brawny towel man. And then there was the Irish Spring Guy, he always wore rugby sweaters and said, "And I like it, too." Yeah, every night he would say, "And I like it, too." And we would go to sleep with him on my chest.
Phil: Yeah.
Ted: It was interesting because he had this musk ironically enough. I adjusted to it after a while, but then as our relationship waned the odor came to bother me again.